Please comment on my admission essay. I appreciate greatly your help!
Here are the requirements:
Describe your decision to pursue an graduate degree, highlighting the following (750 words):
Your motivation for pursuing a master's degree in mathematical finance;
Your reason for choosing to apply to XXX University;
Your immediate post-graduate career goals and 5-year career plan.
During my years in college I developed a strong fondness for quantitative subjects such as Quantitative Financial Analysis and Financial Engineering. I found Financial Engineering to be the perfect blend of mathematics and finance. I reviewed John Hull's book "Options Futures and other Derivatives" in class and enjoyed it to a great extent. After learning many concepts of Financial Engineering in this class I knew I wanted to study a Quantitative Finance Masters Program.
A year before graduation I started working with HP Enterprise Services within Kraft's Latin America Account. My first position as a Finance Analyst allowed me to take a look at how transnational companies look at Finance and at derivatives. A year and a half after I entered HP I was offered a promotion to another global account, Bristol Myers Squibb. Since then I lead the Enterprise Business Office of the Latin America region handling 9 countries. I was then responsible not only for all financial operations of the account but also of all commercial activities. I handled all projects, Service Level Agreements and even negotiation with the client. Even though I find Corporate Finance very interesting I know that this field is not as intense as I need. I am very outgoing and energetic and need to have the thrill a field such as Financial Engineering can provide.
After acquiring sufficient professional experience I decided to broaden my quantitative skills by going back to University and prepare for admission to a Masters Program. I reviewed statistics, learned how to use Minitab, programming in C++ and took also Linear Algebra and Differential Equations. I also took very intensive tutor lessons reviewing many different Mathematical subjects, Calculus, Analysis and Linear Algebra. Being taught one on one allowed me to improve my skills drastically.
I would like to become an expert on derivatives markets theory and gain exposure to the latest techniques and best practices to be able to help develop the market in Mexico. I have seen it myself and from many other colleagues who are often disappointed that the hedging instruments we think should be important either don't exist or, when they are created in the US, don't make it all the way down to Mexico. I have long been puzzled by the lack of proper hedging instruments in Mexico and I hope to be able to contribute to a developing derivatives market. I believe derivative instruments should be adapted to the country they are traded in. For example our law system is totally disparate from US' therefore our derivatives market and products should also be completely different, which they are not up to this day. Another issue is the lack of capable qualified people to work in our local derivatives market. Financial Engineering as a field of study does not even exist in Mexico. We don't have a single Financial Engineering masters or Ph.D. program.
There are several factors that made me decide to choose XXX; the curriculum, faculty, location and internship. I believe your curriculum has a broad amount of mathematics that will instill in me the qualities sought after by employers. The curriculum will certainly give me the skills necessary to be successful at any position after graduation. The rigor of the program will blend perfectly with my finance background. I also believe the recent expansion of the program by an additional semester is something that will improve my profile as a graduate. Also the location is pretty convenient for me as it will be closer to home than other universities. Your faculty seems to me to be made up of the right mixture between practitioners and researchers which will allow me to learn the most up to date techniques and theories. I have heard some impressive names as Constantinos Kardaras, Zvi Bodie and Jerome Detemple. Taking his Derivative Securities class will be enriching certainly. I am also looking forward to working in a firm for the internship and applying all knowledge acquired in the first part of the program. I am certain that the rigor of the program will allow me to succeed in any firm regardless of the challenges I will be presented with.
Thank you very much!
Your essay is coming out very well, you're a great writer! I just found a few minor things;
I handled all projects, Service Level Agreements and even negotiation with the clients .
Even though I find Corporate Finance very interesting, I know that this...
I reviewed statistics, learned how to use Minitab, programming in C++ and Linear Algebra and Differential Equations. I also took very intensive tutor...I crossed out those words to make the sentences flow better, as you have written 'also took' in the next sentence.
... our derivatives market and products should also be completely different, which as of now, they are not.
I believe the recent expansion of the program by an additional semester is something that will improve my profile as a graduate.
Also, the location is pretty convenient for me as it will be closer to home than other universities.
Your faculty seems to me to be made up of the right mixture of practitioners and researchers...
I have heard some impressive names as Constantinos Kardaras, Zvi Bodie and Jerome Detemple. you should work this into the next sentence, specifying whose D. S. class you're referring to.
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